I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize