Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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