May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
