1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
meet me or not, i'm out of control
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
