fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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