Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i will never coherently bang her
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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