Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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