I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
