insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
