im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize