how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
