just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
