I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
