You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
