Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
