Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
