Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
