shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
