I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
