Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize