I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
