Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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