my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
So here I am, sexting at work.
Come on in and take your pants off
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