I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
