We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
