Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
