Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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