what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
