Your dad touched me again.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
