when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Quick, to the slutcave!
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
