when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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