That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
