I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
