Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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