my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
