Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
