My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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