worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
