My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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