If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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