I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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