i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
