i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
