I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
