She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
