i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
