Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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