I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
