I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
