So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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