i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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