Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
