when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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