His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
