just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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