I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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