I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
