Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
