Do you still have your period?
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
